Wednesday, March 29, 2006

humor to avoid

origionally posted december 17th

what follows in the body of this blog is a functional list of quips, jokes, and asides that you can safely avoid regurgitating to the poor trapped clerk in whatever place of business that you happen by in the holiday season. you may think you're being clever and possibly brightening their day, but believe me, your good intentions actually physically kill said clerk just a little bit inside each time. thats right, kill. you don't want to be a murderer.....so go ahead, memorize it, print it out, clip it, put it in your wallet.

1. i just printed that or be careful, the ink is still wet: the all time most reiterated joke on the planet. we at first chance convenience are in the habit of checking 50 and 100 dollar bills with our magic pen (tells us if its real or not). i imagine that many other places of business are in this same habit, as it just doesn't make sense to take a fakie. right? so if you see someone following along with this practice, please, please resist the urge to make a crack about how your real 50 or 100 is in fact a fakie...its not. you arent involved in counterfitting. you just got it from the bank. in fact, the only illegal thing you're going to do today is crack open that bud single on the ride home (smooths the road out...). and maybe kick your dog. i don't know. but it's just not funny anymore. i tried this line out once on a fellow c-clerk just to see his reaction, you know, from the other side of the counter. and i saw the same emotion restrained from his face that i feel inside every time this gets said to me. a forced smile, a single tear rolling down his face....you get the idea, just hand him the 50.

2. i'll take one WINNING powerball: ahahaha....whooo! you know, all it takes is to ask for the winning ticket, i really do control the entire outcome of the 25 state powerball jackpot from my suprema 2000 (it's really called that) lottery console in pelham, nh. but i know that's not the point, you're going for the quip. trying to make me laugh. i understand that, which is why i have a specially prepared counterquip for this one instead of a specially prepared ice pick to stab you in the jaw. "oh yeah, i'll just hit the WIN button for you, but i gotta let you know ahead of time that i charge 5 percent of the jackpot for that." verbatim. every time i get asked for a winner, i repeat that line identically to the way you just read it. even if it's to the next person in line who obviously heard the whole quip/counterquip in the first place. anyway, if i could just hit a button and win the fucking lottery, WOULD I STILL BE WORKING IN A CONVENIENCE STORE????? no, i would be paying hookers to spill champagne on each other and then roll around on $50,000 oriental rugs....or something.

3. i can't complain, nobody would listen anyway: except for me, because i am trapped behind the counter and now i know that the gasoline i just dispensed to you is on its way into a molotov cocktail because your ex wife just started sleeping with your mother's dogsitter and it's friggin -30 degrees out, or maybe its 98, either way you're miserable because space heaters start fires and you don't take no truck in AC. i know. we are all miserable in some way or another, we all have those things that we surmount every day just to put a good face forward. it is this illusion of percieved happiness that keeps the rest of us going, why shit on this happy balance? don't pop the bubble, just smile and nod if you feel like emotional vomit is going to spew forth the next time you open your mouth. i'm just an asshole with a stockpile of cigarettes and beer and gas, i'm not a psychiatrist. i have no good response for any problems beyond "dude, that does suck." believe me, it's not that i don't feel for you, i do, i really do think that sucks. but when you're buying a 30 rack, it's not the place to unload on the clerk. and as far as nobody listening....well, its unfortunate that you feel like you're surrounded by people who don't give a damn, but that's nothing to make a joke about. i'm sure there's somebody who will listen...like maybe your wife? maybe if you talked to her more instead of just complaining, she may be more inclined to listen. i digress.

4. 5 bucks on the shitbox on three: okay, this i still apreciate. unless the shitbox in reference is a corvette or a bmw. now you just sound like a pretentious dick who wipes his ass with other people's money. to be fair, it is usually guys in bmw's more than the corvette guys, which is okay because nobody likes a guy in a bmw. which reminds me of a joke:

what's the difference between a porcupine and a bmw?

....wait for it....

on a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!!!

its FUNNY because its TRUE. if its a 1987 cavalier held together with a roll of scotch tape and a few hopes and dreams, then by all means crack this joke. otherwise, don't.

so maybe that's it. i'll add more if i forget anything obvious. remember: it is the job of the clerk to process as many people as he can in the shortest amount of time, so he sees hundreds of people a day. he may be the only clerk you see that day, but try to look at it from the other side sometime. i hope this blog has done that for you. be well.

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