Wednesday, March 29, 2006

looking down the barrel of a sun

you ever sit still for a second and think about what you're going to do? all the places you could end up? all the things you will do by the time you shuffel off this mortal coil? you ever think that what you are doing at that very moment when you stop to contemplate these things may not lead you there, wherever "there" is?

we all have this allotment of conciousness that we call life. beyond that, nobody really knows what happens, so we can only assume that, if this really is IT, then we might as well do the most we can with IT, that brief flicker we are awake for. because if this is IT, then theres a whole lot of pressure here. why did i eat a chicken sandwich for lunch today? i hate chicken sandwiches, and the number of lunches i have left is, in fact, finite. so why waste one on a chicken sandwich? because it was there? because it was easy? what an excuse!

now for the hypocritical twist: i hate what i'm doing right now, thats definately no secret. i tell myself it's just an ends to a means, that i'm only working at the convenience store because it's here, it's easy, out of an obligation to my father, my family, whatever. but maybe i am afraid of what i may or may not accomplish. i have this life, this time to be awake, what if i fuck up? what if i am fucking up as you read this?

it is such a responsability, being concious while i am alive. i look at people all the time, people that come into the store, beaten down, existing. the only thing they look forward to is the beer that i sell them, or that they may win a couple thousand on that scratch ticket. but they have lines in their faces, worries, obligations, complications. so if this life thing is so precious, and since it is so finite, why do we waste it on trivial persuits? making a million dollars? saving for retirement? if you never make it to retirement, then all that saving, what did it get you? you were living your life based on the assumption that when you got to retirement, you could start doing that. but you didn't get there, so did you not live? is there a difference between just existing and living? maybe, if we have conciousness after the great barrier of death, it will be a conciousness that can appreciate life, whatever life you had before you died simply for the experience of it, irregardless of what you did.

so do nothing? do everything? accept life as a ______, so you can get the paycheck and put the brats through college? am i alone here? or does anyone else feel like they might pop? wtf?

whatever the answer, don't be blinded by it. do something, follow a path, any path, and don't be miserable if you can still draw breath. and go ahead and pop if you want to.

i know, i know, !@#$ english majors. i wish i could at least offer the excuse that i'm messed up right now, but i am stone cold sober. reality. woah.


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