Saturday, August 19, 2006

car people...assinine theories

origionally posted january 26, 2006

i am fond of saying that i have assinine theories about everything, which i do....most of these were concocted in various states of.....bakededness....in high school (haha, high school...)....

but anyway, heres one....probably my most famous, which i call

car people -

you've seen them. they are literally everywhere, most noticeably in rush hour traffic. if you are like me at all, then you invariably get stuck in the one lane that will come to a complete and utter standstill even as the other lanes around you pick up and begin to move....this is redundant. look, just pop in 'office space' and watch the opening credits. that's me. hi...that's my life.

but yeah, traffic situation on the interstate: me with a great deal of non-moving freetime. most of which i spend trying to get the girl in the jetta blasting "my humps" to notice that i'm wearing gold aviator sunglasses....and failing. but yeah, people watching in general....and that's where i first saw them. car people. i swear to god, next time you are in traffic, take a look at the lane next to you as yours begins to take off....this is what you will see: guy in extremely large pickup truck picking nose, girl in jetta blasting music, old guy in some sort of buick being old, scared looking middle-aged broad white knuckleing her steering wheel (despite the fact that she is not moving), and the car person. taking up space, filling in an otherwise empty spot in traffic.

there he is....no expression, hands in the 12:00/2:00 position, looking straight ahead. while everyone else in said traffic jam seems to have a personality manifesting itself in what they drive, how they look, what they are listening to, how they curse the traffic, the acidic look they give back to you as your lane begins to move...whatever.

except for the car people. because they are not real people. they exist as extras in the great movie of life. fillers. glitches in the matrix (for you gen y'ers). people that you look at and are just blown away by how incredibly generic they are. from the nondescript gray car, to the nondescript beige tunic, to the stony, unmoving expression...they sit. moving with the flow. unless it's three am....then they are both that set of headlights five miles back in your rearview, and that set of taillights five miles in front of you.

you've seen them! trust me. and if you don't believe, just open your eyes the next time you drive....you will see them. they don't adjust anything in the way they are sitting in their seat...they don't try to coax extra AC out of their shitbox when it's 98 degrees out....they don't get off for gas, they don't need to eat. they aren't even a person in a car....they are merely an entity, a car shaped entity designed to look and feel exactly like a person on the road next to you. a fellow motorist. but he isn't. you'll need to pull over in 30 miles to eat at the roy roger's...he won't. he'll just keep on driving off into infinity.

so take comfort from it. or be perturbed...either way, know that they are out there, doing what they do. getting cut off, not blowing the horn...not doing anything at all that will make them even remotely memorable....just driving. car people. i'm for fucking real, man. these theories aren't asinine because i like the sound of the word. (assinine, but he's.....right! i've totally seen a car people too....!) it's okay. i'll be here. disbelieve for now, but i'll be here for when you all have seen the light and come back to tell me so.

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