Saturday, August 19, 2006

old man games

i know for damn sure that i am looking forward to being and old guy. if you think about it, it pretty much gives you the excuse to do whatever the fuck you want in public, and people will just put up with you, and write you off as "just old".

"ah, he just ran three stop signs, made an illegal u-turn at a red light and ran over a fire hydrant....but it's cool, he's just old."

and really, are you going to pick on an old guy? how many times have you proudly extended your middle finger out the window to the a-minor tone of your horn only to see a foam dome hat way too high up on the head of the other driver, or the tuft of blue hair juuuust peeking up over the steering wheel....and then just feel like a complete asshole for doing so. god, i just flipped off an old guy, i'm going to hell.

but what if that's not necesarilly the case? i am convinced that old people, and old guys in particular (since i am a young guy right now and have no doubt about my future conduct as an old guy), are nothing but scammers, and that flipping them off is just calling them the fuck out.

well maybe not a scam, but it is all an act. think about it: you're old, married, lots of your friends are dead, you're sick of the wife, and the kids don't call anymore.....what the fuck are you going to do all day? you're fucking retired, what are you going to go get a job bagging groceries to pass the time before you finally kick the bucket?

fuck that. you are going to do what i am going to do, and what countless old guys do everyday: bug young people. these yungins, they have their whole lives ahead of them, damn it. hair on their heads, the chicks that are into them still have tits above their waistlines, etc. why not do your best to irritate them in whatever way possable? i look forward to it.

i base this theory off of two particular instances, and an overwhelming need to explain why old people behave like frigging aliens. the first was not something i remembered until just recently, and only because the second instance jogged the memory loose. it was a funniest home videos or something, and in the video an old guy was arriving at a relative's house whom he had not seen in quite some time. the reletive being visited had a front stoop that the old fella wasstruggling to get up to the door: being helped, leaning on a cane, taking breaks, etc.

then the old guy makes it to the top of the steps, reares up from his hunched position, grabs the relative in a huge bear hug, and bellowes "happy christmas, you s.o.b.!" it was all an act. an old act, and this was likely the first and only time the act was dropped and caught on camera.

the second instance is an old guy who comes into the store and, no matter what is happening, makes everything grind to an absolute standstill. it's like a frigging superpower. he needs a case of mike's hard berry, which has to be gotten from the cooler, he can't remember what kind of cigarettes he smokes and gets angry when you get him the wrong kind, every other word out of his mouth is "WHAT?!", etc. we take ID's with every credit card purchase, and so it was i came to learn he is only 5 years older than my dad.

so can it be that this one dude managed to age so much fucking faster than my dad (because there's no way my dad will be that bad in 10 years, nevermind the 5 to catch up to this cat), or is it just that he really couldn't wait any longer to start his 'old man games'? i really do believe it is the latter. because i myself, as i have stated endlessly, cannot fucking wait till i get my first set of standard issue old guy-ttire in the mail: one pair pants, brown; one pair pennyloafers, size 8, also brown; goldtoe socks, navy; faded yellow button-down shirt, longsleeve despite the temperature; and the foam dome.

so for now, i flip off old people and don't lose a wink of sleep over it. it's just my way of letting them know that i know, and that i am waiting, just biding my time, like they were once.


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